IN HER EYES

2

If there’s something that I value it has to be honesty. Ironic, right? But I already told you once, hush! Don’t be so quick to judge. Besides, it is none of your business.

Ha! You should ask me why I’m telling you about it if it is none of your business; then I wouldn’t have an answer for you.

As I was saying, honesty. I believe what I was once taught in church (forgive me all you who chose a different path from Christianity), that there are three people to whom you can never lie to; God, yourself and… I’m not so sure about the third one. Stress on the ‘yourself’ part. See, no matter how much you tell others something that isn’t true, and you repeat it so often that you yourself ALMOST believe it; that’s just it, you never really do. Deep within yourself, you always will remember the truth. And it bugs, nags, itches, scratches, claws and gnaws at your conscience. And at the end of it all, your conscience is beat down and taps out of your lying game; so much so that you decide that you will let it out, fix it, fix everything, and live straight from then henceforth. But just when you’re about to do it, something happens, because of this or that you can’t do it. You simply can’t. and that buys you more time to keep your skeletons in the closet, neatly tucked away. One more day that most will keep thinking that you are an angel; are you really?

“You’re an angel babe,” Dave said, “thank you for coming to visit; it was an awesome weekend.” I couldn’t help smiling at how cute he was. I’m an angel. I wished he wouldn’t call me that. It pinched, because each time he said it I remembered my disloyalty… “Well, I’ll see you next time love,” I said and gave him a peck on the cheek as I boarded a bus back to the town that hosted my school. Slept right through the journey.

When I alighted the bus, Jay called, he’d wanted to know if I was back yet. What a coincidence, he was also in town so we could go back to school together.

“How was Nairobi?” He asked me. Instantly I remembered how Dave had taken me out to this fancy restaurant for dinner; how we watched movies through the night, and how I fell asleep on his lap and woke up the next morning in his arms. “it was fun.” I smiled genuinely at the thought. He began telling me about his weekend, the sound of my thoughts was higher than that of his voice. I should tell him; I should say how I feel. But … what do I feel?

I know. I felt pain. It was clear now. Oh, so clear. I was in love with Dave, and it had begun eating up on my conscience. It hadn’t the past twelve months but now it did. I couldn’t stand to hurt him. Thinking about being with another guy disgusted me; Theo James and Jaden Smith were no longer appealing in my eyes; I was confused each time I thought of what to wear when going to see him; when all other meet ups were easy to dress for. It was hard to pick what lipstick to wear; even though he always loved my lips; whatever the colour they came in. Yet somehow with him the colour never lasted on my lips.

“Sweet heart?” I turned to look at Jay, “have you heard a word I’ve said?” Suddenly I saw Jay in a different light. He wasn’t Dave, not anywhere close really. And neither was Alex. And I couldn’t stand him continue to go on and on about himself. Funny, ‘himself’ was quite interesting just a weekend back.

 

“I’m breaking up with you.” It was almost as though the words weren’t my own. Felt as if I was a third party in this conversation. Jay went silent, and stared at me. “You don’t love me anymore?” His voice was flat, without feeling or emotion. I felt an instant pity on him; as how you would on a beggar out in the street, not as how you would towards an old lover of yours. But somewhere in me I heard that soft low voice says, “It’s the right thing to do.” I stared back at him. We were at a lonely dirt path and had stopped walking. We stood there, stared at each other. Straight in the eyes and I did not even flutter. I was trying to read his thoughts; he was probably thinking that this was one of my many jokes. But this time was different, I was in love … not with him …

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