Sometimes when no one knows your dirty little secrets it creates a comfort zone for you. You never want to come out to the light, clean out your closet. Becomes a lifestyle for you. Problem is sometimes the secrets we keep hurt others. Even when they do not know it. Because it is true and I have proven it to be true, that you cannot serve two masters at a time. Sure women are the best at multitasking, but not when it comes to matters of the heart. It is not true that you can love two people in the exact same way at one moment in time. For no matter how much you will try to prove that you do, to self and others, in actual fact you do not.

Look at me, look at this man. He doesn’t deserve this. Why did you have to fall for my charms Jay? Why? But it’s not your fault. It’s yours Cass. He doesn’t know about the rest; he doesn’t know that on your list he comes third. Because of that he hasn’t received all the attention he deserves from the one he calls his own. With all these men, it’s just not humanly possible to treat them in the same kind and loving way. The way Jay likes to be treated is not the way Alex likes to be treated and is not the way Dave does. I thought I could at first, when all this began. But a few months down the line I got tired and exhausted from pretending that you know so much about how to love, because that’s what you’re doing. You can give a lot of care to each one but it gets to a point where to one it shall be more than to the other…or to none at all.

‘’This is why you’ve been acting like this? So distant and not yourself?’’ Jay asked me. Still staring at each other on this dirt path. Time still, trees calm, as if the whole world was listening in. ‘’You probably didn’t love me at all did you? ‘’ A look sworn and despise appeared on his face.

‘’No, you know I did,’’ I replied, ‘’You know that I did truly.’’ I didn’t love you truly. That’s a lie. Why am I lying, I should just stop talking? I wanted to cry. But why should I? He hated me now, and I felt awful. I wanted to tell him that I was just kidding, that it was a big lie, just a silly joke. I felt desperate to please him and wipe that look off his face. To make him stop hating me. To make him love me again.

But no. It was time and I had to put him out of his misery. I hadn’t been treating him right, had stopped caring genuinely. Apparently he had noticed. How I stopped saying the ‘good mornings’ the ‘sleep-wells’, the ‘how-was-your-day’s’; I’d become just that chic with the name ‘girlfriend’ as just a brand. It didn’t mean a thing.

‘’Oh.’’ His face became expressions less then. He faced away, swallowed hard and continued, ‘’Okay. See you around then.’’ He said it with a finality that made me fidget where I stood. He turned to the direction we came from and left me standing there. I couldn’t stop him. As who? As what? Why should I? Could I?

I wanted to. I wanted to run after him.  But I just stood there.

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