In her eyes

4

IMG-20151003-WA0001Haven’t seen Jay in forever, and everyone’s asking me why they haven’t seen him. Each time I just feel like answering them with, “how am I supposed to know?” but I can’t. It was evident he hadn’t spread word about our break up but he was angry. I know because he’s irrational when he is; he unfriended me on Facebook, unfollowed my Instagram, and blocked my WhatsApp because I can’t view his profile. I also know this because it’s what he does when he’s angry with a person. It’s childish, I know but hey, he’ll find his way, he’ll thank me later. That’s how I encourage myself, so that I don’t feel that bad of a person.

It’s a weakness of personality I guess. Where you constantly feel you must please all who take your interest. I guess it’s also how I got to where I am; three men whom I am lying to. See my thinking was, I like him, but not more than as a friend, but since he likes me more than as just friends and I don’t want to lose contact with him, I’ll try make it work, cross my fingers hoping for the best. But things don’t work like that. I’m a person who believes in doing good. And I don’t really think cheating is good. Sometimes you just have to reason it out like a child. I mean, don’t get me wrong, if you’re into it I’m not judging. But I tend to empathize with this one person, A, who is in love with a certain other someone, B. But B says that she or he loves A with all she or he has, together with persons C, D, and E. But A doesn’t know that. And B takes A, C, D, and E for fools. Yet I am this B character that I speak of. And I’m taking these men for fools. Which makes me feel like a bad person. And I know I’m a good person. I just know…

So it’s better Jay stays angry at me. Because that makes my list less one person that I’m making a fool out of. And that makes me feel better, just a little bit better, about myself. Now, it’s time to move on. Time to let go of Alex too. So that my conscience no longer has anything against me.

Speaking of Alex, we haven’t talked in ages. Since he left that is. I guess school’s cool on that side.

“Girlfriend!” I turned to see Coco hasting towards me.

“Hey doll,” I replied smiling back at her, “where have you been?” I asked.

“Me? Where have you been?” she replied and I let out a small laugh.

“Around, you’re the one I haven’t seen lately.”

“No way. I’ve been everywhere. You know me!” It’s true I know her, she’s never in one place for too long if it’s not the library.

“Ha-ha, of course. But we talk everyday so…”

“Still don’t change the fact that I haven’t seen you around. So anyway, where’s Jay?” I rolled my eyes at her question and she needed no telling something was up.

“Okay, let it all out, what didn’t he do now?” She asked me, sighing.

“Why does everyone keep asking me about him? I don’t know! I can’t always know!”

“Yeah, yeah,” she said in that usual tone saying that she’s used to my taking it out on her, “finish quick, I want to hear what he said or didn’t say, or didn’t do, or did.” She finished.

I sighed and smiled faintly. “I broke up with him.” She stopped and looked at me, and I hated it because I’d have to stop and look at her and I didn’t want to because she’d make me feel bad for it.

“I was waiting for when this would happen,” it was as if she wasn’t the one saying those words, “what? Why are you looking at me as if you saw someone having a fashion disaster?” I couldn’t believe it. She’d always been for this relationship. But alas!

“It was quite evident that was where you were headed. I mean look at how the two of you have been behaving since this semester began. So I’m not really surprised.” And with that, the talk about Jay and I ended. Jay was out of our lives for good.

I love Coco. She never asks questions she knows won’t benefit either of us.

This is why she’s my main.

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