Words| Verge of losing it

By Kendi Rose

I have loved Danny ever since i came to know the four letter word- love. I have loved everything about him, from his obsession of cooking almost everything with garlic and ending up with a pungent smell of onions for days to his broad shoulders and heart warming smile. I love the way he just lets his hair, the way he sleeps without tossing and turning, I can never end but what I love the most is the way he loves.

I see the way he loves his girlfriend, Fiona. I hate that name. Fiona. It sounds more like…my name sounds better, Lilith. I hated Fiona. She was in my place. I should be one who was being carried up in the air with Danny making twirls, I should be the one sitting next to him watching the sunset. Ooh, how my heart boiled with fury when i saw those two growing stronger by the day. I was completely vexed, it was time to take my turn.

I don’t know if Danny loved me, in fact I didn’t care- all I wanted was him. He became my obsession ever since he moved next door to me and rang the door bell once to give me flowers. It turned out his date had bounced on him and he had no idea what to do with the flowers. I treasured those lilies. All my mind was left wondering is how did Danny know lilies are my favourite flowers, not Roses, not bells of Ireland or poinsettias but sweet Peruvian lilies.

My house and his are so close together that i could hear him kicking his speed bag and making that sound of victory. He left the window open and i studied him and made unexpected visits. I watched every inch of him till I started writing about him. Then Fiona came along, she would close the windows. She made me see less of Danny. Danny stopped coming over for dinner at Tuesday’s night and I stopped doing a lot of things too.

I stopped seeing my psychologist after all, she said I was getting better, I stopped taking my anti-depressants, I took a leave from work, I started cutting myself again, I started the lonely monologues again. In a nutshell, i was having a psychiatric relapse.

I had to be with Danny so badly. I was ready to kidnap him and we could live together, i don’t know where, maybe a cottage, just any where away from Fiona. My symptoms became exacerbated when I saw Fiona. I needed help and the one person who saw that I needed help was Danny.

I went back to the sessions and resumed my medications. I moved in with my sister after being admitted at the hospital for three days. Someone kept sending me lilies everyday and that just made my mental breakdown ease.

It has been six months since I have had my relapse and I still wonder why Danny didn’t ran away. He helped me recover. Now I am Danny’s obsession, he loved me with my mental illness and now I know he’d love me no matter what.

I have come to be open about my condition. I don’t want to mention my condition, it’s a combination of disorders. I am just relished that I am getting better by the day. The treatment this time has really helped me and it’s because am not fighting this alone, I was on the verge of losing it. I didn’t know crazy till became crazy but most of all i didn’t know what love meant till I met Danny.

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